Would you read this novel?
So, it’s called Rainbow in the Dark:
They told me there would be palm trees.
But so far, all I could see was Redwood’s. All I could hear was silence. All I could taste was the dryness in my mouth. And, all I could feel was sadness.
I looked down at the coffins in front of me.
Lying under the covers where my parents, motionless and pale. My eyes were watering, but I never shed a tear. My body was frozen in shock.
My uncle tightened his grip on my shoulder.
" Let’s go," he said, starting to tread towards the empty parking lot. I just followed him to his black Ford Ranger. I jumped into the passengers seat and pulled on my seatbelt.
" Um… I got another bed. I hope you like it." he said, ending the grieving silence in the car
Thanks, Greg.." I muttered. Over the last few weeks, I’ve been calling him by his first name. I learned that, even though it irritated him, he was okay with it because it made me feel better.
I started playing with the various thin leather bands around my wrist to try to distract myself. The whole rest of the ride was silent, except for the sound of tires on pavement as we approached his house. He cut the engine and stepped outside. The house looked the same as it had two years ago, when I came here on my fifteenth birthday. I hopped out of the truck, slamming the door behind me. I then took out my pair of house keys that were now officially mine from my jean pocket. I walked into the air-conditioned house. I rushed upstairs and into my room. I scanned the room. There was a bed, with, what looked like, washed, brown sheets and an old colorful quilt; a labtop, which layed on a wooden desk, and a map of California hanging on the door. Basically, my room was simple. After hanging up posters of different bands, and paintings, I went to the bathroom across the hall. I wahed my face and brushed my teeth. Hearing me, Greg walked up the stairs and knocked on the bathroom door. I opened it, only to be embraced with a big hug. I knew that this whole experience had hurt him too, he was my dad’s brother after all. He was also the first and only person who volounteered on taking me into his life. I appreciated it, but also knew that it would be… different, to say the least.
" Dinner’s on the table. ‘You hungry?" he asked, heading down the stairs.
" I’m not hungry." I told him. I sighed and returned back to my room. I took off my shoes and socks and sunk down on my bed. I started crying, keeping the sobs quiet so Greg wouldn’t hear, and come up and want to talk about it.
With this fixed distress, I went out the open door, passed the driveway and raced for the unknown and dismal forest as fast as possible. In the moment it appeared better to be lost than be confined to such a place.
There was no way to look, to see far, without looking up, as the trees around prevented seeing much of anything, in any direction.
The wilderness was untamed around me. Shrubbery had grown up within the wooden walls, making it hard to tell what was tree and what was plant. To heighten my trouble, it was darkening. I felt childish for rushing into the woods. Being daring and belligerent had given me comfort for a moment but the rebellious mood was gone.
I had already traveled much deeper in than intended. In fact… how far had I gone? I shifted a little in place, hoping I would eventually get use to the cold and then turned for home, but soon realized with a sharp pang that I didn’t know which way to go.
I walked around for what felt like hours, but I was sure only minutes had passed. I was certain I was walking around in circles, but all the trees looked the same so if I was, I couldn’t help it. Without noticing I walked right into a cobweb. I jerked to the side, stumbling over a fallen branch. My balance broke and only did I catch it after a moment. I flailed around in disgust, determined to get all the sticky webby stuff off me. What if the spider was on me now? I hopped around, squealing inwardly, before jerking off my shirt. I continued hopping in my jeans and thin shirt, thrashing the spider infested fabric around.
“Die spider! Die!” I yelled and that’s when I ran into him. Technically I didn’t run into him, but embarrassment hit my chest so hard I might as well have run into something. I swiveled to face him directly. He leaned against a tree truck casually, electric lantern by his feet and a notebook in the other. He wore shades of obscurity –dark jeans, a gray jacket and over-worn Vans – and a pitied expression, framed by beautiful messy dark hair.
“Are you lost?” he asked with a smirk. His voice was soft, yet intense, like his black eyes.
“No,” I declared, though, my voice cracked and it was obvious I was.
He slid off his jacket, revealing a form fitting charcoaled v-neck shirt beneath. “Here,” he said, handing me the jacket.
“Why?” The better question was why could I only spit out one-worded statements?
He averted his eyes and motioned to my body. My shirt was thin, and my jeans had h
This is a rough draft so, I’m going to edit later. I’m also ten so any help would be great! ![]()
Thanks for all the feedback!
7 Responses
Brandon
15 Feb 2010
Lia♥
15 Feb 2010
I love the start of this and I could feel how the character was feeling. Good descriptions and dialogue. Overall, very well done.
asiduhagu
15 Feb 2010
No. and to determine what book to read, i usually flip to three random places in the book. if 2/3 grabs me in and makes me read for a least 5 pages, then i’ll read the book. sometimes i go based on the author if i like his/her style of writing, then i’ll just read most of the books that they write.
Tricia
15 Feb 2010
Not exactly sure about the title, but your style seems okay. The grammar and syntax is a bit off, but that can be fixed with some editing.
I would say continue writing. Finish the work and print it out, then edit it. Take it to an English teacher and some friends that you trust. Have them edit it too. Trust me, it helps to have multiple people read and edit a story.
Hope it turns out well for you!
Yes its Yuki!!
15 Feb 2010
yeah!!
you really pull the reader in and you have that way with words
your description is good and so is your vocabulary
theres only one dilemma, yes, yes i know this is yahoo answers but when you go to a publishing house you need to have EVERY DAMN THING correct!! and you better get it put to a publishing house cos i wanna read the rest!!!!
good luck and hope i helped xx
could you maybe help me out with my book too please??
http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AkxwyQpI30DMRWs8zkpSZBIgBgx.;_ylv=3?qid=20090803183152AABsKH2
Lika
15 Feb 2010
I liked everything about the beginning of your story : it pulls you in ; the thoughts are expressed in clear logic ; the story flows well ; the characters are worth knowing .
The only thing I really wanted to know right away is a gender of a main character . It is hard to imagine him/her , and that might work against the story .
DREAMlikenotomor
15 Feb 2010
wow so good ….



the writing is great. The only thing I noticed about it that was bad, was at the beginning, it had a few useless details like the fact that the house was air conditioned. But I would definitely read it. 8.5/10