What do you think of my story so far?
I’m writing a story about a boy and a girl who have been friends since they were little. The boy is in love with the girl but she doesn’t notice. I’m usually a pretty good writer, but I haven’t written for several months so I’m a little rusty.
This is what I have so far:
Laurel Hannigan was standing in her bedroom, holding a pair of pink flip flops in one hand, and a pair of black converse in the other hand. “Which pair?” she asked the boy who sat on the bean bag chair in front of her, with a look of disinterest painted across his face.
“Does it matter?” he sighed.
“Ryan! Are you kidding? Of course it matters!” Laurel shouted, frustrated, “Now which pair?” She shook the shoes slightly.
Ryan Alennia (the boy on the bean bag chair), sighed before pointing at the Converse. “Those”.
Laurel frowned. “Don’t you think it’ll be a bit too warm for the sneakers?”
Ryan shrugged. “If you think so, then wear the flip flops”.
Laurel studied both pairs of shoes for a moment, before setting down the flip flops.
“Alright”, she said, walking to the closet, “Flip flops it is”. With that, she tossed the sneakers into the heap that was growing inside of her closet.
Ryan sighed. “Laurel, it’s not that big of a deal”.
“It’s a huge deal. Tomorrow is the first day of school, and everyone knows that you if you don’t look you’re best on the first day of school then everyone will think you’re a loser and if everyone thinks you’re a loser, than you—“
“Woah, woah, woah, chill”, Ryan cut her off. “It’s not like you’re a freshman anymore. People will still like you. And if they don’t, well then their idiots”.
Laurel smiled slightly. “Thanks, Ryan”.
“Anytime”. He stood up and walked over to her, and slung his arm over her shoulder. “Now what do you say we blow destroying your closet and go out and enjoy our last night of freedom?”
. “Alright”. She smiled sweetly at him. “And get your arm off of me, douchebag”.
He quickly removed his arm and grinned at her. “Whatever. Let’s go”.
~*~
It was 6:00 pm. This was Laurel’s favorite time of the day and the fact that she was spending it driving around with her best friend made it even better.
“So where are we going?” she asked, knowing that he wouldn’t have a real answer.
“Forward”. Ryan’s eyes never left the road. He was the safest driver Laurel knew. Safer than even her mom, and that was really saying something.
The radio in the car was turned off. It was always on when the car was headed somewhere in particular. Whenever Laurel was with Ryan, she’d sing along. Sometimes Ryan would too, if he knew the words. It was the thought that counted anyways. She knew for a fact he didn’t sing along to the radio with anyone but her. And that somehow gave her a feeling of importance.
But now that they were driving aimlessly in his truck, the radio was off and neither of them wanted to turn it on. The two of them enjoyed the space that the silence made. It was easier to think.
“I don’t want to go back to school” she said wistfully after a few moments. She pushed her chocolate colored hair over her shoulder and leaned back against the fabric covered seats.
What did you think? Feel free to critcize if you need to. And please tell me any suggestions you might have.
6 Responses
Jude
09 Feb 2010
LukeTrocity
09 Feb 2010
This sounds like a great romance type book, but what would be the main plot, like would Ryan do something that made Laurel like him or hate him?
Layah
09 Feb 2010
it sounds pretty good so far, but all that really matters is where you are going to go with the story.
twilight
09 Feb 2010
I like it! but….. you gotta put conflict, something that makes the reader not get bored and keeps them wondering!
John T
09 Feb 2010
Very childish. You need to mature, then try writing again. Good luck, at least you are trying, but don’t use the word "Douche bag"
Jinx
09 Feb 2010
you shoul describe ryan a Little more so far i know ryan is a safe driver (which is not relevant). same with laurel, all i know is she likes fashion, is not a fresh men and has chocolate coloured hair.
you should also hint out who’s the main character…write how the main character feels and think.
describe the setting….all i know is that there in a room with a bean bag…where are they.
but i love the plot… sign up in
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Try to use less details. We can use our imaginations a bit, you don’t need to feel the need to tell us every single thing going on. For instance, ‘She pushed her chocolate colored hair’- you can just say hair, no color. and ‘she asked the boy who sat on the bean bag chair in front of her, with a look of disinterest painted across his face’. This sentence is unnecessary to the story. You can just say boy on the bean bag chair across her.
‘She shook the shoes slightly’ Instead of slightly, use a different word like violently or take the word out altogether.
‘Ryan Alennia (the boy on the bean bag chair),’ Take out the text in quotes. We know who Ryan is because you already introduced him.
Watch your sentences because you have some run-ons.