What do you think??????????
the first part is here… http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AiTTlZSBW8DbqoREPzIaeWbsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20090917173754AA5Ywxq
Adriana sat in torment as she watched her brothers face. How his features were distorted by outrage … and something else. Something she could not quite figure out. She tried to look into his eyes, but they were indifferent, like the doors to his sole were closed. He lit a cigarette with a shaking hand and took a long, deep drag, closing his eyes in pleasure when the nicotine quenched his craving.
He stood with his friends, they slapped him on the back, and looked to see where his clone was. He nodded towards his midnight blue BMW, and when they turned, she was there, with her indifferent face. Her eyes though, gave away her secrets.
There was a sharp tap at her window. She jumped in surprise, and looked out to see Liam kneeling down to look at his Adriana.
She turned her face away as to not let him read her eyes. She didn’t want to tell him. She hated this more than anyone. Her eyes pricked, threatening tears whit just the thought of what she was going to tell him.
Liam slid into the drivers seat in the car. He was tall, and had to adjust the seat so his legs wouldn’t be crushed.
His leather jacket hung loos on his thin physic. He wore chains, that he tucked into his pants at the moment so as not to ruin the black leather of the seat.
Waiting patiently for Adriana to turn to him, he stroked his black hair to the left side of his face, covering one eye almost completely.
Adriana continued to pretend like he wasn’t there. But opened her mouth and began to talk. "Im leaving, in three days," her voice was a drone. She spoke as if she were talking about something meaningless, like the weather, or a school assignment.
Liam reached over, and took Adriana’s face in his vary large, vary pale hand, squishing her cheeks together. He turned her face to look directly at his. "What?" His voice was barely over a whisper. His dark blue eyes had shards af crystal in them, his lips were pulled into a disbelieving grimace. The snakebite piercings, silver rings, jutting out oddly.
One Response
rose3
30 Jan 2010



You have potential. Some of it, however, I couldn’t follow; got a bit confused at the beginning. You need to tighten your grammar, e.g. in the first paragraph, "sole" should be spelt as "soul" in that context. You should also know that "very" is not spelt as "vary" – no one will take you seriously if they see that; a writer should not make such simple mistakes.
I encourage you to keep writing, everyday if you can, because the more you do it the better you will become. Oh, and read lots and lots of books!
Wishing you the best of luck,
Rose