http://www.wetokolehawaii.com/please-rate-the-beginning-of-my-short-story-2 Just another WordPress weblog Mon, 23 Jan 2012 00:37:56 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 http://www.wetokolehawaii.com/please-rate-the-beginning-of-my-short-story-2/comment-page-1#comment-2926 ichthusfish Fri, 19 Feb 2010 05:24:25 +0000 http://www.wetokolehawaii.com/please-rate-the-beginning-of-my-short-story-2#comment-2926 It's pretty good. Your grammar isn't bad, but, as you said, it is kind of slow- not too suspenseful yet. There isn't really much of a hook, but I would keep reading for a couple pages to see if anything happened. The only real grammatical issue is the fact that you keep switching between past and present tense. (I sat in the middle row...I could tell he didn't really care) It's mostly in present, though, so I'd stick to that. ><> It’s pretty good. Your grammar isn’t bad, but, as you said, it is kind of slow- not too suspenseful yet. There isn’t really much of a hook, but I would keep reading for a couple pages to see if anything happened.
The only real grammatical issue is the fact that you keep switching between past and present tense. (I sat in the middle row…I could tell he didn’t really care) It’s mostly in present, though, so I’d stick to that.
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]]> http://www.wetokolehawaii.com/please-rate-the-beginning-of-my-short-story-2/comment-page-1#comment-2927 ♫♥♪abracadabra14♫♥♪ Fri, 19 Feb 2010 05:24:25 +0000 http://www.wetokolehawaii.com/please-rate-the-beginning-of-my-short-story-2#comment-2927 that was a little long but i really liked it! Id give it a 10! i just kept wanting to read more lol n i was sad it was over. You made a mistake here: <The van was at the end of the line in the traffic jam so none of us know what is going on.> instead of know it should be knew but thats pretty much it nice story!!! Lol im in band too haha i play the clarinet!!! that was a little long but i really liked it! Id give it a 10! i just kept wanting to read more lol n i was sad it was over. You made a mistake here: <The van was at the end of the line in the traffic jam so none of us know what is going on.> instead of know it should be knew but thats pretty much it nice story!!! Lol im in band too haha i play the clarinet!!!

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