Comments on: PLEASE!!!! I KNOW ITS LONG BUT PLEAS READDDD!?

By: ~Lucy~

~Lucy~ — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 04:38:39 +0000

It’s good and I want to know what happens next! But there are a few problems: there are many grammatical errors and spelling mistakes, but these can be resolved using a word processor such as Microsoft Word. I also think you should be more descriptive, it is difficult to understand the situation and some background info would be good. Other than that, it is really good and I like the idea of close twins.

Hope this helps!

By: :)

:) — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 04:38:39 +0000

thats so good! i really want to read more!
great job! i dont know anything that i would change!
i hope this helps!

By: the one and only

the one and only — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 04:38:39 +0000

ok, i can’t read that whole thing, but based on the first few lines, here’s what you need to work on:
-don’t use so many choppy sentences. it makes your writing sound kindergarten-y and boring.
-add some concrete details and descriptions

By: A True Horse Has No Color

A True Horse Has No Color — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 04:38:39 +0000

It’s good but you need to edit some sentences and spell check and everything.

By: steppingstones

steppingstones — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 04:38:39 +0000

It feels a little rushed to me, especially in the beginning. Also, I spotted a couple of grammer and spelling errors, which can take away from a story if you’re not careful.

For the most part, it’s good. Just polish it up a little bit, maybe develop the plot a little more. A car wreck is a pretty climatic scene, and you could probably devote a little more than two sentences to it.

Other than that, keep writing! There’s definite potential there!

By: sdloth09

sdloth09 — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 04:38:39 +0000

this is great!!! i want to know the rest of the story!

By: Ryuk

Ryuk — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 04:38:39 +0000

um. hmph . ok
dont do that much blood like twilight because if you can write it then you can bear the pain. no run-ons you use less puncuation then just saying a whole paragraph without a single dot wierddd.

By: The Ry-Guy

The Ry-Guy — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 04:38:39 +0000

One detail that will probably come up if you keep showing this to people: The glass used in car windows is specially made so that it does not shatter into sharp pieces if broken. You won’t be cut very bad by broken car glass; it will fall apart into irregularly shaped little "beads." I only mention this because you bring the glass up a lot. Might want it to be jagged metal pieces or something.

Other than that, it’s not bad. The single line structure is hard to read.