Opinions on this paragraph of a story?
My friend likes to write but won’t let anyone read her things to get feedback. So I took a little paragraph from her story and I was hoping somebody will give their opinions on it? Please it’ll help a lot. Be as mean as you like 
“’You have to show him the wallet! It’s all we have!” I searched frantically for the beat up leather wallet but couldn’t find it. Dean must have checked the rear-view mirror and saw the cop get out of the car because he started to help too. I kept looking but it was impossible to find it in the mess of papers that covered Dean’s car.
“You find the wallet I’ll stall him.” Dean said while opening the Jeep’s door. Some of the papers blew out in the breeze. I searched under the seats while the door shut leaving the papers still. I moved the papers around glancing at them as I did.
“How’s it going officer?” I heard Dean say through the cracked window. I picked up a half burnt “Twilight” book and the wallet fell out from it. Twilight dropped from my fingers and I fumbled over to the driver’s seat.
“Your taillight is out. Did you realize that son? Your driving has been reckless for about three miles now, let me see your license.” The officer barked at Dean while adjusting his sunglasses. The officer was pudgy to say the least and had a thick brown mustache. He wore a hat that shaded half his face and sunglasses that reflected a person’s soul. Dean just shifted uncomfortably and looked back at me. I nodded and got out of the car.
“Here you go sir. Sorry Dean’s kind of stupid when it comes to keeping track of things.” I said and handed the wallet to the officer. One car passed us and spit dust in the air. The dust put everyone in a coughing fit.
“Dean huh?” The officer coughed through all the dust. A small gust of wind blew all the dust away leaving two cops pointing their guns at us. Dean moved closer to me and I raised my hands. “This license says your name is Al Sherman. Al Sherman is a convicted killer who escaped two days ago. Put your hands in the air!” The officer spit and slowly moved closer to us.
“How much trouble can I get in for punching a cop?” Dean whispered in my ear while slowly moving closer to the car.
“Six months in jail? I think why?” Dean began kicking up dust like crazy. My eyes started to water and I couldn’t breathe. I heard Dean’s fist meet the officers face. A loud thud rang through the air which meant the officer had been knocked on conscious.
“Get in the car!” Dean said as he opened the door. I climbed in and then he did. He shut the door and put a gun on his lap. A gun, the officer’s gun. We we’re screwed. The cops think Dean’s a convicted now escaped killer. That makes me a partner in the whole thing. We we’re going to jail for life. We would get the electric chair for sure. Dean revved the engine and then we were flying down the road.
“Is there anything else you want to do? Actually kill someone with this stolen gun? Or maybe we can rob a bank! Or impersonate the President?” I yelled at him with tears in my eyes. I just want to go home. I want my old life back before I ever met Dean.
“I’m pretty sure we couldn’t pull off being Barack Obama. No we’re not doing anything like that. We’re just going to find the convict and get my wallet back. Then I’ll take you home okay? It’ll be easy! Plus those cops looked dumb as f*** so we don’t have to worry about anything.” Dean said as he turned the radio on. The song “Bad Boys” blasting through the speakers. Dean thought I was the crazy one?
2 Responses
mnm
13 Jul 2010
EB
13 Jul 2010
Not bad. The writing is good, and the plot is interesting, but there are a few things in here that just don’t make sense.
If these two kids (I got the impression they were teenagers) were going after a serial killer, why would they bother lying to the cops? Why not just tell the police what’s going on? I realize that doesn’t make as exciting a plot as having them go after the killer themselves, but from the kids’ perspective, it makes more sense. And why is it so important that they get Dean’s wallet back? I’m pretty sure that if a convicted serial killer ran away with my wallet, even if there were hundreds of dollars in it, I’d probably just let him keep it.
Also, Dean was pulled over for reckless driving. Even if they did have a legitimate reason for trying to avoid the cops, why in the world would they show the cop a serial killer’s wallet? Did they think that flashing any license at all would get them out of a traffic ticket? All the officer would have to do is glance at the photo to know it’s not really Dean. What could that possibly accomplish besides getting them in more trouble?
And then there are little things, like after Dean was pulled over. I’m pretty sure there’s a law that says you have to stay in the car and roll down your window, or else the cop may assume that you are getting out to attack him. You can’t step out of the vehicle.
Punctuation errors:
"Your driving has been reckless for about three miles now, let me see your license.” The officer barked at Dean…
Should be:
"Your driving has been reckless for about three miles now. Let me see your license," the officer barked at Dean.
Also:
"Six months in jail? I think why?" Should be, "Six months in jail, I think. Why?" And "We we’re screwed" should be "were". "On conscious" should be "unconscious." Stuff like that. If you pause when you say it, there needs to be a comma.
Character assessment: the narrator sounds like a pretty decent person. She (again, I got the impression it was a girl. Might wanna make sure people know that, though) sounds funny, with a bit of an attitude. I kind of rolled my eyes when I read, "…I yelled at him with tears in my eyes." You had a funny scene going with that "Wanna impersonate the president?!" argument, and then I felt like her little pity party ruined it. Dean, on the other hand, comes across as a moron/smartass. Entertaining to watch, but not very likable as a person. But I like an obviously flawed character, so I wouldn’t change anything about him.
Overall impression: This piece reads like a scene from an action movie, which is cool. The plot holes/grammatical errors need to be fixed, but your friend has a lot of potential, in my humble opinion. It’s nice work.
Wow! this is really good! I REALLY want to know what happens. Your friend is an amazing writer, and there is nothing to fix, but how did the officer know his name was Dean? I guessed the officer already meet them before, so that’s how he knew his name, but IDK. This is amazing, so much better than my book, trust me I don’t have a chance at getting it publish, but this will get published, and I WILL buy it. haha, I love the Twilight book and how it is half burnt. It was something random, and it worked! I would love to read this, if you want to you can email me more, I will understand if you don’t.
meganleap@live.com
good luck!