i need your opinion on this. Please!?
Okay so maybe you have read the first part, but i reached the maximum number of questions i could ask today. so i had to use a different account.
please, suggestions.
i have aim- csdkelsey93
Chapter 1
I stared at the wall choking back tears once again. They were arguing again. In my small life of sixteen years, I have been through so much. From being “accidentally” slapped by my dad, to being verbally abused by my mom. My life is not, by any means, a piece of cake.
As I listened to the screaming from the living room, I wondered why parents couldn’t just get along. And then I heard it, the sound of glass hitting the floor. I jumped up from the couch and walked quickly to the door of the kitchen and peeked through. Mama was sitting on the floor crying, and Dad was already making his exit. At least no one was hurt.
I walked over to her and bent down to where she was sitting. “You okay?”
“NO!” she screamed with such intensity, I swear the house moved. I got up and went to my bedroom with tears rolling down my face. I walked past my little brother, Kevin, and reassured him that everything would be okay.
I walked into my room with so little noise, I started to convince myself I wasn’t moving. As I approached the bed my dog, Lilith, walked in and beat me to the bed. Lilith is a gorgeous German Shepherd with long silky black hair and spots of white on her chest. I plopped onto the bed, laid beside her and started giving her a belly rub, while I thought of how my life could get any worse, and the lack of thinking caused me to go to sleep rather quickly.
I woke up to the annoying continuous sound of beeping right next to my ear. As I dragged myself out of bed, I thought about what I was going to wear that day, and finally chose a pair of dark jeans accompanied by a t-shirt and hoodie. I walked to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, just a normal face. My eyes were red and puffy from crying myself to sleep, and my hair was like a rats nest, going in every way possible. I picked up the brush and painfully made my way through it, and smiled at myself because the end result was not much better than when I got up. I quietly walked to Kevin’s room, careful not to wake Mama, and woke him up. Kevin was a cute little eight year old, who was into trucks and mud as much as any other eight year old boy. Knowing that if he didn’t get up, he would stay home with Mama, so that motivated him to get up rather quickly.
I fixed cereal for breakfast and we both sat in silence and ate our food. As the elementary bus pulled up, Kevin drank the remains of his milk and with a simple bye, headed out the door.
I had a good twenty minutes before my bus would get here, so I indulged myself into self-pity, and before I knew it, the bus was here.
I stepped on the bus with all the courage I could gather and stared at my feet as I walked down the aisle to sit with Chloe. Chloe has been my best friend since the “diaper days.” And we spend every chance we get with each other. Chloe lives on a for acres of farmland which comes in handy when you love horses. She has blonde hair that runs halfway down her back, and is usually put in a braid. She wears overalls and always says things like “Ya’ll” and “Down yonder” which always makes me giggle.
I have stepped on this bus for nearly two years now, and something felt different, as though their was a bad presence. I looked around for any signs of abnormality, and my eyes met two strangers of whom I have never seen before. I held the stare for what seemed like forever, and one of them slowly met my gaze, and I forced myself to look away.
“Hey Chloe, how was your weekend?”
“It was fun, you know living at the farm takes a lot out of you. What about you?” Instead of answering with the truth about being yelled at, I simply said “It was okay” and stared at the seat in front of me until we reached Helena High School.
As soon as I stepped off the bus Chloe said her goodbyes and headed off to her first period class. Dimitri was there waiting for me with a smile on his face. Dimitri has the cutest smile ever, his teeth are perfectly white and straight and his lips are so thin. He’s pretty tall with a slender body, but very muscular. Normally, although I don’t know why, Dimitri always wears a turtleneck that covers his neck and arms. The shirt he was wearing today was tighter than normal and it perfectly outlined the six-pack that hid underneath. His black hair was extremely hot, it was always perfectly straight and covered his eyes almost completely. When his hair wasn’t covering his eyes, you could see that he has long eyelashes with dreamy brown eyes that seem to go on forever. Its as though, through his eyes, I see his soul. He was perfect in every way that I was not.
“So how was your weekend, Mr. Dimitri?” I smiled playfully as he grinned at the “Mr.” he now was.
“It was fun. Went fishing with my dad. That was pretty much the highlight of my week, watchin
9 Responses
Sammyantha
15 Feb 2010
kateryna h
15 Feb 2010
THIS IS LONG. NO WAY IM READING.
Who do you think is hotter??? (Can you plz answer) <333
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090415214707AACzqb3
scrouds
15 Feb 2010
tl;dr
Sheena
15 Feb 2010
i read the first few paragraphs and noticed there’s a lot of I’s. like I did this, I did that, then I did this and blah blah.
HappyPop
15 Feb 2010
One of the hardest things an author has to learn to do is to make a picture in the mind of his audience. It is hard to avoid the pitfall of telling the story too much instead of showing them the story.
For example:
my dad is a lousy baseball player
as opposed to
"Oh God!"
"Yeah he struck out once again!"
"Why did they say dad could be on the team again this year?"
"Come on, he likes to play! It’s just a game after all!"
You have a great flair for writing, show more and tell less!
A.N.T
15 Feb 2010
I agree with the above answer. Show more and tell less. Here is a website that might help http://users.wirefire.com/tritt/tip1.html
Please answer mine?
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AuHnit8zBkRjwxw2JfvMMjzsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20090415173313AAvemFf
Warm ‘n
15 Feb 2010
Two Words—– MARY SUE.
Jeez, develop your character with some originality! There are many grammar mistakes and bad cliches. You actually used the phrase, I thought of how my life could get any worse, and dear god, I couldn’t read the whole thing.
Get some real characters and plot. This is the most unoriginal story I’ve read since "Twilight."
Let’s hope you’re under 15.
Dani is stoked f
15 Feb 2010
Juvenile writing style. Not unique in any way. Boring. Trying WAY too hard to evoke sympathy from the reader, and WAY too soon in the novel. Expand your vocab.
rocket_eskimo
15 Feb 2010
i think its good :]
i like it
the first paragraph brings back memories :/
i think you should change that whole paragraph about the dog
idk
thats funny. . i started writing a book and the first sentence is i woke up to the sound of vibrating under my pillow.
you really like commas. you should consider separating some of those sentences cuz some are run ons.
but its good. keep writing :]



I thought it was rather good, and the only problems it has can be easily fixed.
The beginning was good, However I think your downfall is when you are describing your characters. When you are describing your characters you go into this mode of "hurry up and just get the information out" type of writing. Which I find good for rough drafts it forces the picture onto paper waiting to be played with.
Now what you can do to fix it is paint a picture of the characters in your mind, AND make it flow with the rest of your paragraph.
Here is a part of your story up there describing Lilth:
"I walked into my room with so little noise, I started to convince myself I wasn’t moving. As I approached the bed my dog, Lilith, walked in and beat me to the bed. Lilith is a gorgeous German Shepherd with long silky black hair and spots of white on her chest."
See how the story kind of gets chopped up to describe the dog. Here is another way to put it, to help you see what I mean.
I walked into my room with so little noise, I started to convince myself I wasn’t moving. Slowly I approached my bed, wanting to escape, only to be beat to it by my German Shepherd, Lilith. Her long silky black fur, glistened in the light. Accenting the small white spot of fur place squarely on her chest.
Okay See how in mine it flows with the lines before it, keeping the illusion of the story. Now you don’t have to go with what I wrote I just wanted you to see the difference, because describing the characters and helping the reader picture them in their mind is a very important part when writing a story.
Also another thing is that Dimitri just pops out of no where. Where the heck did he come from, where were they standing? In front of their school, or in front of their class?
I really did like your story it has a great plot, and I hope you are able to continue with it. I hope I helped, and Good Luck!