How would you sum up this marriage?
Married 13 yrs, he’s materialistic, I’m not, however, he is better at handling bills, etc. We both work, make about the same considering my job provides the family med insurance. When I needed car, he said 12,000 range, and that’s what I got. Then, he went without me, and spent 28,000 on truck, and then added thousands more (at least 8,000) in stereo, built in dvd/gps, dvd players on back of front seats (for the kids to watch), leather seat covers that match truck, various things to make truck faster (add hp), had sunroof put in, bought bed cover that opens like a trunk, digital amps, superchip that does various things, and there’s more but I’ve said enough. I feel so cheated, and I wake up angry & go to bed angry. By the time we pay his 0/mth truck payment & the approx. 0/mth in credit debt from his additions, there is no money for me & the kids. He says he won’t buy anymore & just stick it out with him. I work full-time & I just feel like "why do I go to work?", "just to make him look rich" the truck is so flashy, there are constantly people saying crap about it. The younger girls like it, and it pisses me off because I’m paying for it and doing without over it. I still don’t have money to buy the kids school clothes & it’s already over a month into it. I need clothes too. I feel like it would be stupid to charge anything because there’s already btwn 30 & 40k in credit card debt mostly from his frivolous spending (00 camera instead of normal priced one, for example) 65 inch TV, etc. It never ends. I literally get NO spending money, he takes my check & says there’s no extra money, but he always finds it when he wants something. Our income is about 70k/yr, what would you do???? Please advise….
20 Responses
Tara L
02 Feb 2010
Silly-Me
02 Feb 2010
File for a divorce first thing in the morning!!!!
Jen L
02 Feb 2010
Divorce!!!
Friend-OR-Foe Yo
02 Feb 2010
not to sound bad but you need to talk to him about this. put your whole family on an allowance. Make it a family effort. Guys are frivolous. It is just how they are sometimes they spend money before they even realize they have spent it. If he is really neglecting you and the kids I think waiting 13 yrs to tell him may be to long this sounds like it has been going on for a while.
TALK TO HIM.. for better or worse, richer or poorer remember?
if he chooses not to listen then give him an ultimatum. Do not throw away your entire life by divorcing him without giving him a chance is what I am saying. If I were browsing yahoo answers and saw my hubby bitchy about our personal life to complete strangers I would be very upset. Give him a chance to try harder. If he is not interested then go further.
shonoel
02 Feb 2010
Get you check paid directly into a bank account that he can’t access.
The days of guys giving their working wives an allowance are long gone.
Cut up your credit cards and his if you can get your hands on them.
Stop spending money you haven’t got and if all else fails, show him a carving knife and mention the name Bobbit.
apollo8562000
02 Feb 2010
I mean no disrespect but It sounds to me that life is all about him and no one else.I feel he is self centered.I personally would find a way out of this marriage because he is just going to get you guys into more credit trouble and further behind in bills and keep dragging you down.You need to go find you a man who cares about family first and himself second.sorry to be so harsh and Straight forward but I had a friend go threw the same thing about 5 years ago and now they just filed for bankruptcy because he wouldn’t stop spending on himself.She filed for divorce yesterday.don’t let it get that far my dear ,you deserve better
sexxxy_mama9903
02 Feb 2010
Sounds like you need to down size on some of the material things. I would also sit down and do the bills with Him. This way you know were all the money is going.
aber12
02 Feb 2010
i think that if you got a divorce all thats going to do is end up making you pay for half of his stuff plus he may get to keep it… so you need to demand that you both go to counseling… my bf and my dad have a spending problem and my mom tells me that I cant change my bf and if i cant stand his spending habits to leave, well his aren’t this extreme although he does owe me 4000. You need to talk to him and show him where all the money is going or bring up seperate accounts
Jackie Baby
02 Feb 2010
Well you definitely have options.
1- Talk to him and be completely honest like you was with us. If that don’t help. Option two.
2- Run the credit cards to the max and file bankruptcy. If you don’t want to do that. Option 3.
3- Divorce his sorry tale then he will have to get rid of the truck to be able to pay you child support or you could say you wanted the truck too.
Honestly I hate it for you that you are in a situation like this but family needs should always come before yours and his like their clothes. And it sounds like it is a one sided street. I personally would be able to deal. Ask him to sell it. You have to do something though. My father was the same way and I hardly even speak to him and my mother and sister stays with me and she can barely stand him but they are still married because I have a 10 year old sister. Dont be miserable your whole life I hate the way my mother lives she deserves so much better.
lala
02 Feb 2010
divorce.
Carole H
02 Feb 2010
Hi sounds like your a mon of three kids. I was in your position a long time ago, my ex husband was just the same, untill he lost his job and we ended up losing the house and everything. You really need to make a stand now, dont let it go on and build up more resentment. Tell him why the hell should you work your arse of, and you and the kids go without, so he can look good, point it out how selfish he is. Or threaten to pack your job in, If that doesnt work leave him for a few weeks, can you go to your moms just to put the frightners on him. Wish id had acted along time ago, i am still paying half of his debt because he put things in my name wich i didnt know about. Hope it helps and Good luck
Ron t
02 Feb 2010
It sounds unfair to me. I was always the opposite I drove an older truck and spent the car budget on getting my wife and kids the nice car. Of course I got to drive the new one a lot when we were together as family or couple. I saved soo much owning that truck. She always wanted me to get a new truck but old one did what I needed..
You might try a separation and see if he is willing to give up that truck
to pay off some of your debt and make you feel more appreciated;
You should talk to someone you trust, You know their judgment and discretion wasteful arrogant people make me cringe.
Good luck with your decision. we" not together anymore she ran off with a broke gym rat about the 12th year of marrige.
later entry on edit: I forgot to tell you DO START KEEPING YOUR OWN CHECK probably hurt him more than the seperation and this change give you more power in the relationship.
mattsmom33
02 Feb 2010
What a narcissistic jerk!!! He takes all you have, uses it, & says there’s none left for you. I’d be done with that. He’s selfish & obviously isn’t putting you or the kids first. Nice….get a lawyer & get someone who will treat you like the queen that you are. Good luck
freethinkerguy
02 Feb 2010
Perhaps you need to manage all the money coming into the household and dole out to him an acceptable allowance? His ego might get in the way of that, but he needs to deal with it. Is that a workable solution?
Does he know that if he continues in this path that he’ll eventually end up divorced? Money management problems are one of the leading causes of divorce.
jherder2
02 Feb 2010
you have obviously over extended your self.set a strick budget,stick to it,and cut up the credit cards,good luck.
Rick T
02 Feb 2010
First of the money he says there isn’t any and he ends up finding some to spend. That’s a bunch of crap. He’s probably has another bank account that he’s putting the extra money in that’s why there’s never any left over. It would be in your best interest to file for a divorce and the same day go to the friend of the court and file for child’s support. Seems like your not going anywhere in that life.
autumn
02 Feb 2010
I read one of your other posts on this subject, and it sounds as though your husband has acted very selfishly and hasn’t been looking out for or thinking of you and the kids the way he should have. My first advice would be to talk to him about this and be very clear about how very important this is to you that he get his spending under control and start putting his family first. If he has some underlying problem that is causing this behavior, he should seek therapy immediately to deal with any issues from the past or present. You say he’s better at handling bills, but I don’t see how he could be good at budgeting when his spending is so out of control and you have between 30 and 40 thousand in credit card debt. There are two problems here – his careless, frivolous spending and his seeming unconcern for your and the kids’ needs. To me, the second one is even worse than the first. You might benefit from some credit management/debt consolidation, but it sounds like he really needs the therapy before anything else can help. Cut the credit cards up. If you feel like you need one for emergencies, you (not him) keep one just for that. Also, since it sounds like your marriage has been harmed by this, and you want to help/keep your marriage to him, think about marriage counseling.
Harvey
02 Feb 2010
Stop giving him your cheque. Control your own money.
Nat
02 Feb 2010
Yep, Im with Harvey on this one. Stop giving him your pay. Make him pay his own bills, and you take care of your household bills, then take care of you and your kids. What is the worst that can happen? He can get upset that you aren’t supporting his lifestyle and leave you. All that proves is that he really isn’t in the marriage for love, and you are better off without his stress.
My heart is with you.
ronnie D
02 Feb 2010
OMG girl! That’s a very tough situation "But" No Offense to him; But you cannot eat a truck or wear it "Or" feed it to your children! All right?
"I do not object to anybody having nice things but; I had to sell my truck for my boys and i hated the idea of it; But" My children were too important than a damn truck.
It sounds like it’s time you draw a line and say to him "Hey" WE are doing without things for your pleasure "And" enough is enough! We are either going to do this or were not "It’s either the truck or it’s us! And" make a ultimatum. If he wants the truck "Fine" But hi’s children will be taking care of or else! He wants the truck, Let him pay for the truck! But either way the children should be in your best interests. "And" I’m afraid you might end up financially crippled unless you put a stop to it now! "I think most men like myself find pride in what they have before they actually come to the reality of what really matters most "And" i think that’s probally what it is.
Your needs and your children’s should be met regardless! Bottom line! If he doesn’t feel the same "Than i would just hav’t to move on. Marriage isn’t one sided it’s two!
You have been one of my contacts for a while and every time you ask a question I get an email then I will come see what you want to know but its always the same. you are torn between what your husband says and what you know is the truth. Why live miserably when you know you can do just fine on your own? He doesn’t deserve you and he probably never did. If you’re going to say that you still love him, Im gonna tell you it sure doesn’t sound like it. You may be comfortable with the situation but that’s not love. I feel so bad for you even though I dont know you. Any time you would like to message me I will give you my email address and we can talk.
In the meantime Quit giving that douchbag your paycheck, its time for you to start empowering yourself. Tell him No, he may whine and cry but dont give in. He cant do anything to you but leave you and at this point I dont really think you would care. From my own personal experience i know one thing I was way more happy being single, working two jobs and being tired all the time with just me and my boys than I was in relationships that weren’t healthy for me. Its not as hard as it sounds.