How do you like the beginning of my story?
Ray’s steel grey eyes glared at the silver moon while he was sitting on a tree branch and thinking about his life. The giant oak tree was located right by his bedroom window, and had a branch that was perfectly aligned with the window.
“Can anything get worse?” Ray thought to himself.
Ray got up from the tree branch and walked back into his room. Right as he closed the window his parents walked into the room.
“Ray we need to talk.” his mom said.
“About what?” Ray asked.
“We got you a ticket to Alaska, so that you can stay with your Aunt Tracey.”
“Why exactly?”
“Your mother and I are going on a business trip to Florida. Our company might be merging with another, so we will be gone for two months.” his father informed him.
Ray fell down on his bed and stared at his parents.
“I like Tracey, but I don’t like my annoying cousin Seth.” Ray said.
“I know, but you have to go.” his mom replied.
“The day you get to Alaska will be your sixteenth birthday, so we sent a present down to your Aunt’s house.” she added.
“So I’m leaving next week?”
“Yeah, so you have time to say bye to your friends.” his dad said
The next day when Ray got on the bus he got tripped.
“What’s up James. Once again you choose to trip me.”
“Hey freak haven’t got that scar covered?” James asked.
“I’ve had this since I was born, and it is part of my image, so go kiss your boyfriend.” Ray replied.
James punched Ray and then sat back down. Ray fell back into the seat that his friend Nicole was sitting in.
“I deserved that.” Ray laughed.
“You do know that I’m dating James right?” Nicole asked.
“Oh, I’m so sorry I didn’t know.”
“It doesn’t matter he’s a jerk, so me and him are over.”
“Oh, well that’s to bad.” Ray said.
Once they got to school Ray and Nicole noticed something strange going on. A large truck pulled up with the word Magic on it.
“A magic show? Great.” Ray said sarcastically.
Three men stepped out of the large green truck. One man had on an unzipped winter coat with no under shirt. Another man had on a ripped t-shirt while the third had on a shirt with flames on it. All of the kids stared at the three men as they unloaded their truck. The men walked to the back of the school to set up their performance tent.
An hour before school ended there was an announcement over the intercom.
“Attention students, go to the back of the school to watch an amazing magic show.” the principal announced.
All of the kids slowly walked like zombies to the show tent.
“I hope this isn’t boring.” Ray said.
“Yeah.” Nicole replied.
7 Responses
twigglezz33
22 Feb 2010
trumpetskickbras
22 Feb 2010
I don’t like it, sorry. You don’t know how to do dialogue correctly, and you repeat a lot of words. The story line isn’t very good either.
Mc Kevin
22 Feb 2010
don’t like it either
☪ ®.©. ℓ
22 Feb 2010
Wow the beginning of my book sounds a lot like the beginning of your book. But on to the story there is to much dialogue and not enough detail.
Cassi A
22 Feb 2010
I think the end part of the first paragraph is confusing.
Lia♥
22 Feb 2010
Create a plot/ story line, more conflict, less dialogue, and develop your characters a little more. Right now, this is not very realistic and needs a better story line. Edit it and rewrite a little and maybe it’ll be good.
Erika P
22 Feb 2010
Agreed with what twigglezz33 said. You also don’t need to use the word ‘tree’ so many times. For instance:
Ray’s steel grey eyes glared at the silver moon while he was sitting on a tree branch, thinking about his life. The giant oak was located by his bedroom window, and the branch was perfectly aligned with the window….Ray got up and walked back into his room. That makes it tighter.
Also, who’s Tracey? That just comes right out of the blue and is never explained. Then he’s talking to Nicole who’s dating James, yet one sentence later they’re over? Chose one or the other. I’m also confused as to why there’s a magic show at school. That doesn’t strike me as very realistic. Perhaps the magic show could take place somewhere else.
Good luck.
For the beginning of a story, you need to start out with less dialogue and a lot more description. It’s okay if your character has inner thoughts and whatnot, but too much dialogue at the very start can give off a bad impression. Try not to repeat words too much.
For example:
"Ray got up from the tree branch and walked back into his room. Right as he closed the window his parents walked into the room."
You say the word "room" at the end of both sentences. You also used the word "walked" twice. Try to come up with a different description or at least eliminate the word completely. A friend of mine suggests using a thesaurus to find better or more descriptive/unique words.
You can find one online at http://www.thesaurus.com
Also, you might want to develop your plot..I wasn’t sure where this story was going or if you even knew.
All in all, it needs some work, but I think that if you give your story a little more thought, you’ll get there! Remember to use several different techniques so that your writing doesn’t become boring, but most importantly, have fun with it!!
Good luck!